I'm not the mother I thought I'd be. I know this on a gut level. But it's also made clear when I tool around the interweb. Lots of places point out just where I am falling down on the job.
Maternity is never an easy job. Mine is complicated by circumstances. I am the mother of twins who were born premature (at 25 weeks) with extreme low birth weight (each weighed a little more than a pound and a half). My daughter remains in a long-term care facility for kids where she is on a ventilator. My son lives at home with me and my partner, K. But even given all of those factors, I still am failing somehow.
I thought I'd be a baby-wearing, breast-feeding, extended maternity-leave, co-sleeping, cloth-diapering mom who bought deeply into attachment theory. The kind of mom that clothes her kids in organic cotton with ironic sayings on the onesies. I'd be a mom who played with her children all of the time, who didn't let the baby even know that TV existed, let alone watch TV. Basically the Whole Foods Version of Momzilla, but less concerned about the commercial aspects of momzillary.
I'm not that mom. Not even a little.
And some days, it eats away at me.
I know. A solution is to stop reading other sites like Urban Baby because all of the reading I do there just points out what a sucky mother I am. I read about what Manhattanites do with their Amby sleepers and their special swaddling cloths and I gnash my teeth, as I set my baby on the floor to let him fall asleep.
I beat myself up over not being able to stay at home, for using Dreft to wash clothes, for a hundred sins against my Little Bug (not to mention the guilt over not taking care of my Darling Edamame who remains in an institution and not at home, but that's a bigger guilt point of things outside my control).
Each post on some posting board is like a jabby little paper clip, cutting the skin between my fingers. But I can't help it. It's like crack to have all of my worst fears confirmed.
Hence, this blog. Most times, I know better. But there are some days where I just feel like Bad Mommy.